Most of you know we want to have 10 kids.  And a lot of you have read my backstory on how Andrew and I reached that decision. If you haven’t and you want to, it’s linked here.  But to put it shortly, it was through a series of spiritual moments, beginning for each of us before we even met.  We know that this is what the Lord has counseled us to do, and so we’ve committed.

As we’ve begun to have our kids, I get comments all the time from people interested to see if we make it to 10 or if we’ll reach our breaking point. 

When I was in high school, I played on one of the best soccer clubs in the state.  It was a competitive team with some very talented girls.  At the end of practice one day, our new assistant coach had us line up on the sideline of the field, and that was never good news.  He set some cones about 12 yards away from us and explained:

“This is a different kind of conditioning drill than you’re probably used to,” he said. “You are going to sprint as hard as you possibly can to this 12-yard line and then jog back to the sideline.  Then, you’ll get a 10-second breather before we start again.  The trick is to make it back to the sideline before the timer goes off.”

“How many times?” someone asked.

He smiled. “As many times as you can.”

I groaned inside. I knew this was more about mental toughness than about how many sprints my body was in shape for.  I heard him saying that it wasn’t a competition with the others, just with ourselves, but I knew that wasn’t entirely true.  Everyone was going to know who fell out first.  Please, Lord, help it not be me, I silently begged.

The whistle sounded, and we took off.  Back and forth, back and forth we went, breathing hard.  But this is what athletes are good at, pushing through physical discomfort in order to win. We conditioned all the time, so the exertion was normal.  But then exertion became fatigue and fatigue became exhaustion. My mind stopped counting the sprints and dialed in on just getting through each round, one at a time.  My body screamed for me to stop, but we kept going, sprinting and jogging back, our pace waning, then gulping in our 10-second break.  As our chests heaved, we were looking at each other without eyes, waiting, hoping for someone to fall short the next round.  And then we’d hear the whistle.  And we’d all run again.

Finally, someone was too slow.  And you could feel the team atmosphere sigh in relief.  The bar had finally been set.  Now, we only had to push a little bit longer, prove we weren’t the weakest.  One by one, we began to stop, either collapsing to the ground or walking around with our hands on our heads, our lungs burning for air, our legs too tired to hold us up.  Those who could were adamantly cheering on those who were still pushing or were patting the rest of us on the back.  We each knew that every one, even those who were the first to quit, went beyond what they thought they could have.

Eventually, everyone had quit but one.  She had no one to beat out, so she could have stopped, but she kept going.  Sprint after sprint, she ran, her red hair dripping with sweat.  She was the epitome of mental toughness, pushing her body and mind in order to reach her own limit without any outside competition.  She was a marvel to us all as we waited to see how long she could go.

This conditioning drill is exactly what I am NOT doing.  This is not about seeing what I can “handle.”  10 kids is not about Andrew and I just wanting something nor is it about the Lord just tossing a challenge our way to see how long our mental toughness can last.  With 4 kids under 5, we haven’t gotten this far by shear will power.  This is about the Lord asking us to do something he says is important, and us having the faith to see it through.  I’m going to have 10 kids.  It’s a matter of figuring out how to do it, not if we can do it.

I look at it this way: “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he commandeth them” (1 Nephi 3:7).

The Lord isn’t asking me to do something impossible.  It is possible, but possible because He is there to prepare the way as we do our part, just like He did for Nephi.  That’s the mindset I started with and now, 4 kids in, it’s the mindset I have had confirmed over and over and over.  The Lord has provided for us in so many different ways; in subtle ways and in ways that have been absolutely miraculous.

I don’t think it is coincidence that in 1 Nephi 3 we read Nephi’s simple testimony that the Lord will provide, but that 14 chapters later, after having experienced the guiding hand of the Lord in his mission to get the plates, and after seeing the Lord soften the heart of Ishmael to join them in the wilderness, and after receiving and being led by the Liahona, after being taught by the Lord how to make a bow and where to find food, after the daily miracle of living off raw meat, and after watching their women be strengthened to bear the burdens of heavy travel while carrying and bearing children, we read Nephi elaborate on that 1 Nephi 3:7 testimony:

He writes in chapter 17:3, “[I]f it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them.”

Nephi went from believing that God would provide, to knowing not only that God would indeed do so, but he knew the myriad of ways the Lord would do it. He knew that God could put the answer right in his path, could bring very special objects into their life to help, could teach Him anything He needed to know both gospelwise and materialistically, could change the way their bodies processed raw food, could literally lift burdens and sustain their bodies to bear their burdens with greater ease. Nephi knew God was limitless and faithful. That’s where I feel like I am. After 4 years of learning how to be a mom to lots of babies, I am even more confident in our goal to reach 10 because I not only know that the Lord will provide, but I know that He does so in many, many ways.

Now, the point of this post isn’t to just let you in on where I am with this whole 10 kids deal. And it’s definitely not meant to toot my own horn. It’s meant to be helpful to anyone who feels like they are being asked by the Lord to do something hard, something that comes with many unknowns and discomforts, or something that feels beyond reach or beyond capacity.

So I want to follow Nephi’s example a little bit and give you some of my insight as to HOW the Lord has provided for us on this 10-kid journey because like I said above, getting this far hasn’t just been a battle of toughing it out. It has been a challenging, but beautiful partnership with God.

1. We knew going into this that having 10 kids was going to require us to figure out how to do things differently than most people. 10 mouths to feed, 10 different personalities with lots of needs, 10 lives to enrich with opportunity and teaching, and only 2 of us. The Lord has helped us see how to meet all of that.
2. He has shown me the importance of raising children to “be agents and not agents to be acted upon,” and how to foster independence, accountability, and to pull their own weight.
3. He has made me look my weaknesses in the face and has taught me how to repent and to change to be more like Him, the greatest being self-discipline, diligence, and patience. But He hasn’t just taught me, He has sent the power of His Son (grace) to help me do what I was too weak to do on my own.
4. He has shown me the ways to turn my home into machine that flows instead of a chaotic never-ending mess of laundry, toys, and dishes.
5. He has taught us how to structure our time to meet the needs of each of our kids, but also our needs, and the duties we are to fulfill. But he also consecrates our time, making it accomplish more than it technically could.
6. He has provided a way for us to obtain a farm life so early in our marriage. We never could have afforded to be here if He had not provided several unique circumstances.
7. He has helped me gain new talents and skills, and also to recognize what talents or skills that are available. But He has also helped me to refine the ones that I already had.
8. He has taught me how to sacrifice and how to focus on what really matters, especially financially. He’s helped me recognize the temptation to be greedy and to covet, so I can choose to be frugal. But he has also shown us how to be in control of our money, how to maximize what we have, and to make our money work for us.
9. He led us to find a job for Andrew that allows him to be home more to not only help with the kids, but to also have his second job as a horse trainer and farrier that me and the kids love to be around, but that is also a great tool to use in meeting the variety of needs of all of us in our family.
10. The Lord has put me into situations where I had no one to rely on, not even my husband. Therefore, I was forced to learn to rely on Him to help me accomplish my tasks. They are always the most draining experiences, but they always put me in a place to see a miracle or to feel His strength or to find enlightenment that I had been missing in my times of comfort, leaving me stronger and more confident than before.
11. He has helped me see how to find fulfillment at home with my kids.  He has changed my heart and he has led me to materials and to tools that help me as a mother and as a teacher.
12. And he has taught me so many truths about family, children, eternity, godhood, motherhood, womanhood, marriage, and how to access the power of Jesus Christ in my life.
13. Although I was very lonely for the first long while as a mom, my friends all being far away and struggling to make new ones, He has brought many new and wonderful friends into my life.
14. I prayed many times for someone who could teach me how to live in a more self-sustaining and traditional way: like gardening and canning and cooking from scratch and how to repair things, start a farm, harvest livestock, etc., and sharing a farm with my in-laws has answered that prayer.

If you notice, although there were elements of miraculous or of actual provision, a lot of the way the has Lord provided has had to do with knowledge and me. I can’t emphasize enough how much the Lord has taught me what to do or how to act. I’m by no means perfect yet at application of all these lessons, but the vision it gives me helps me maintain hope and energy. But I think D&C 121:42 describes it best when it points out that pure knowledge is an important element “that enlarges the soul.” Gaining better perspective, establishing correct expectations, learning how to do things God’s way and not my way, honestly enables me so much to do this hard thing; it enlarges my soul. It helps me change, it helps me aspire, it helps me not kick against the pricks by staying in a failing cycle. And it shows me that if there is something that isn’t working or that is stressing or draining me out, there is an answer and He’ll show it to me.

Let me just end with Moses. I love D&C 8, a chapter that describes both how the Holy Ghost works and how learning to receive revelation is a totally powerful way that the Lord uses to provide for our needs, even in miraculous ways:

2 Yea, behold, I will ^atell you in your mind and in your ^bheart, by the ^cHoly Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

K you know this verse. Revelation comes into our mind and touches our heart, right? That’s how we can know if something is right or how to learn what the right thing to do is. K, now listen to the next verse:

3 Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses ^abrought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground.

Did you catch that? The splitting of the Red Sea, one of the most famous and crazy miraculous things that has ever happened on this earth. I never really thought about it, but I guess I just thought that it was the Lord who just opened up the sea as the children of Israel got closer. But now I see it this way: the children of Israel were at the edge of their escape route, backed up against the sea, with nowhere else to go, and you have Moses, feeling the pressure of Pharoah and his soldiers running in their chariots behind them to recapture the slaves and to kill Moses. He must have stood there, pleading with the Lord for help. And the IDEA comes into his mind and into his heart, “command the sea to part and you can walk up the dry land.” Are you kidding me?! This insane miracle was actually performed by Moses, through revelation, like the revelation you and I receive? By the power of the Lord, of course, but come on! You have to admit that this is cool!

Now check out the next verse:

4 Therefore this is thy ^agift; apply unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall ^bdeliver you out of the hands of your ^cenemies, when, if it were not so, they would slay you and bring your soul to destruction.

“This is thy gift; apply unto it…it shall deliver you.” My friends, I don’t know what hard thing you are facing or will face. But if you’re facing something that isn’t the easy road, but is the road you feel impressed to take, take it. And partner with God that He may provide all you need on your journey. Because, I can promise that He will. He’ll change the impossible circumstances, or, or He’ll teach and empower you to embrace or change the circumstances yourself. Because discipleship isn’t about pushing ourselves to a breaking point.  It’s about doing things His way, and working with Him to make it possible.